Affairs are a violation of the agreement and commitment in a relationship/marriage, that it will be an exclusive monogamous relationship. There are many reasons that are around about why an affair happens. These can be sexual addiction, opportunistic, notice me, retribution, emotional and sexual attraction elsewhere and many other reasons why. I want to just bring it back to the two specific reasons that affairs happen which will cover all the other reasons why they happen.
First of all there is sexual addiction where the craving for sex outweighs any agreement about being monogamous. It can be similar to being in a relationship or marrying someone and you find out later that their consumption of alcohol, their flutter of gambling or the recreational drug use is out of control. It is an addiction and you will not be able to fix it. So with sexual addiction, you will not be able to fix it with your partner. Your partner or if both of you have a sexual addiction and affairs are happening, you will need help for the addiction before you can completely restore your relationship. Get help now for the sexual addiction.
The second reason for affairs is the lack of emotional and sexual connection between both of you. You made a commitment to monogamy when you got together and/or marriage when you were either in the romantic or early stage of your relationship. In this stage there is a lot of physical, emotional and even spiritual attraction together. You are bonded and connected and you can have many hopes and dreams together. You can experience much infatuation and ecstasy together as “lovers”. Then the children come along, the financial pressures, the over-weightness, the mid-life crisis, the sickness and you name it. You then don’t have connection with your partner any more or it is insignificant. You are no longer talking to each other or spending time together. You think that it is all too hard to connect with your partner again, but you deeply want connection with someone. You find someone else and next minute they are taking notice of you. Next minute there is an affair. Affairs can be deeply hurtful and deeply shameful.
An affair is an extreme way to show that there are problems in a relationship. Problems of communication and lack of connection. It does not necessarily mean that the partner that has the affair does not love their partner, they are craving connection. Relationship and marriages where an affair has occurred can be restored. The affair will need to stop, the communication will need to start, the deep hurt will need to be listened to, witnessed and respected, a deep apology will need to be offered, trust will need to be restored again and forgiveness will need to happen over time.
If an affair has happened in your relationship/marriage or you suspect that there has been, you will need support from a counsellor to work through what has happened. Don’t try to do it as a couple on your own. It can be a highly emotional time and be very reactive.
If you suspect that an affair is happening, it does not help ignoring it (putting your head in the sand) nor does it help being a detective. You need to ask and get help to sort it out whether the affair has actually happened or not. There will be a lack of connection and trust either way.
At Love Life Matters we can help you to work through the effects of the affair to get you both back on track.