How To Get Your Partner To Listen To You
The Surprising way to Heal Emotional Disconnection in a Marriage
Do you have the same re-occurring argument in your relationship? Do you try to get your point
across, but you feel your partner is not listening, because they don’t
respond the way you want them to?
“You don’t listen.”
Is a common complaint from couples.
If communication has broken down in your relationship, you will feel a
growing sense of distance. The closeness you once had, now seems to have
turned into bitterness, resentment, and a lack of safety and trust.
You would naturally think that if you want to resolve the emotional disconnection between you
and your partner, you would probably assume the problem lies in the
communication within the relationship.
Yet, contrary to what most people think, when you take your eyes off the
relationship and look inward to yourself, this is a much more effective way
to change the dynamics of the relationship.
Here are some points to consider about yourself, next time you find
yourself saying: “You don’t listen.”
You partner doesn’t listen (or respond) because of your frustrated
tone of voice.
Everything you say, is only 7% words, the rest is in tonality (38%) and
body language (55%).
For example, if you say, “Do you want to walk the dog or shall I do it?”,
your tone of voice will convey how you are feeling. If you feel irritated
because you believe you always walk the dog, and you think it is about time
your partner did it, your tonality will convey this.
Any slight tone of complaint, criticism, irritation is most likely to
create a defensive response, and your partner ‘tunes out’ to prevent them
from feeling attacked.
Next time, you are not listened to, check your tone of voice as well as
your general attitude.
Your partner doesn’t listen because you dismiss yourself and/or
You dismiss yourself when you don’t heed, your inner voice. For example,
you know not to have that next drink, but you do. Other people tend, to
reflect back the attitude you have toward yourself. In other words, what
you believe about yourself, others will believe too.
Your partner doesn’t listen because you keep talking and talking.
Do you pause long enough for others to respond? If you find you overwhelm
your partner with your conversation, try saying no more than three
sentences per comment. This can increase the odds your partner will hear
Also notice the how you end your sentences, does your tonality invoke the
desired response? Being in rapport with your partner means you will be
aware to what is going on for them too, as you speak.
Your partner doesn’t listen because you give un-asked for advice?
There is a difference between giving information and giving advice.
Information will empower your partner to make their own decisions. Advice,
on the other hand, is giving your opinion and making it wrong if your
partner does it any other way, which undermines their sense of self.
Before criticizing others, look at yourself first.
“First, remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly
to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
Do you really listen, or are you just waiting for the next moment to say
what you want to say? This can come across as dismissing what your partner
has just said.
- Your partner doesn’t listen to you because of anger.
The primal brain over-rides all rational functioning, and when you are in
anger, you cannot think rationally. They say anger opens the mouth and
closes the ears. You cannot be heard by someone who is angry, likewise you
cannot speak and expect to be heard, whilst in anger.
Everyone wants to be heard. Take some time to understand what you may be
contributing to the listening blockages
What you truly need and looking for, is something that your partner cannot
give to you.
When you say, “You don’t listen”, what is really going on
When you want your partner to listen and give you the love and
understanding you need, first, look at what is really going on within you….
That is, you are not listening to yourself.
If you would like to learn greater listening skills for your relationship, and would like help,
contact Love Life Matters – today.