Signs of Controlling Behaviour a Relationship
Toxic behaviour, such as ‘control’ showing up in relationships is more
common than one thinks. It can sneak in before recognising it for what it
The conditioned ways of thinking are so ingrained in our psych, that often
we don’t realize they are there, playing out in our relationships.
There are many ways, that control can show up in a relationship. The person
who is controlling, actually has low self-esteem, and they use control to
cover up their pain. This can also be called co-dependancy.
On the other side, the person being controlled may, actually believe that
they themselves are the one in the wrong and they are the one that needs to
change. Of course, on the extreme end of the scale, there can be emotional
or physical abuse, and if this is happening for you, we urge you to seek
help as soon as you can.
Here are some examples of how control shows up, and If you notice any of
these signs in your relationship, take heed.
– When your partner tries to come between you and others, such as your
friends, or family. They may complain you are not spending time with them,
or they may want to be constantly included in what you are doing, or
excessively wants you to stop going out and doing your own thing. Gestures
thought to be endearing, can be cover up for jealousy.
– They may constantly check up on you, by looking at your texts or emails.
Or turn up unexpectedly when you have gone somewhere. They may even accuse
you of cheating.
– When your partner tries to make you feel bad for feeling the way you do.
You may start to doubt yourself, and your question your own motives or
emotions. They may even threaten to do themselves self-harm, if you don’t
do what they want you to do.
– When your partner speaks to you in harsh tonality, or uses direct
commands, or dishonours you as a person, by calling you names or putting
you down. Disrespect also can show up when your partner does not value what
you or what you want to do, for example, puts you down, by saying, “you’re
not smart enough to do that”.
– When you partner often says they don’t like things about you, such as the
way you dress, walk, speak or do particular activities. They try to tell
you how to improve, for example, if you lost some weight, your sex life
might be better.
– When your partner uses ‘jesting’ or bad humour, and you feel
uncomfortable, even in the smallest of ways, because this will undermine
your relationship very quickly.
As mentioned previously, the subject of control covers many different
To finish off, Foxxy will share a personal story to demonstrate just one
“In my first marriage of 14 years, I believed it was the role of my husband
to be the ‘head of the household’.
This belief showed up in my relationship in many small ways. For example,
my husband insisted that if we were both going somewhere in the car, that
he be the ‘one’ to drive the car. Never did he ever ‘allow’ me to sit in
the driver’s seat and drive, whilst he was in the car. Notice, I said the
word ‘allow’. I submitted my will and desire, every time to him.
He was the ‘head of the household’ and what he said… goes. He also insisted
that he play the music he liked whilst driving, so I had endure listening
to the Beatles, which I didn’t like much at all.
I was not always ‘free’ to have what I wanted… unless he approved. I was
under the ‘control’ of the man of the house. It was my belief to ‘obey’ my
husband. There was never any compromise unless it suited my husband.
If you are struggling with ‘control’ that has gotten out of hand in your
relationship, and you would like help to shift the dynamics, we at Love
Life Matters are experienced with helping people in this situation. Give us