Are you being defensive without realizing it, in your relationship?
We just want to give a little explanation.
Defensiveness will come up a lot quicker with people that we’re very close
to. It can be at work, with your children, or with family, friends even
neighbours, and it will definitely come up in your intimate love sexual
When your partner says something or does something (assuming it’s not a
physical attack to you personally) that upsets you, it can feel like a
perceived threat of some description.
So, then what happens is your body goes into defensive mode. You will feel
your body tense up, and you may notice you stop breathing, or very shallow
breaths. It is the natural way the body defends itself against being
So, what happens energetically, you start to push and put up some sort of
wall in front of you, to try and block and protect yourself from whatever
the other person has said. It’s the perception that you are physically in
danger and this is how your body reacts.
This has come up in our relationship. I, Foxxy heard Robert innocently say
something, and then I questioned it in a defensive manner. This immediately
put Robert on the back foot, as he didn’t understand that I was feeling
because of my unresolved hurt from my past, thinking I am in trouble and
asked, “Why did you say that?”
I traced my response back to my father telling me off when I was a
teenager. I would come home after being out with friends, and my father
would say, “Oh, you haven’t done the dishes”, or it would be something else
that I hadn’t done and was supposed to do.
So, what happened is Robert was merely the trigger for these unresolved and
unfelt feelings in me, because I had not dealt with them. I would felt
tension in my body and wondered, “What have I done right or done wrong?”
I, Robert, have also notice when defensiveness comes in my body. We, Foxxy
and I, did a 26 day detox and in the last few days of the detox, I noticed
that I had lost some weight from my belly. I didn’t have a real big belly
in the first place and I’ve never been large at all. I feel great that
happened, but I also notice that I had lost some muscle mass because I
hadn’t been doing as much exercise throughout the detox.
And then it occurred to me that in my past, like 20 years, 30 years,
before, if somebody said to me, “Whoa, you Robert, you’ve lost some
weight!”, I would get defensive around that, because of my perceived
perception that there was something wrong with me. I would automatically
want to defend myself and reply, “Hey, look, I’ve been sick” or something
to that effect and try and justify why I had lost some weight.
Because at that time in my younger years, my belief and perception, was, if
I am skinny, I’m not really a boy or a man. That sounds crazy to me now,
but that’s what it was back then.
However, now, I don’t I don’t think that way. If somebody did say to me,
“oh, you’re looking as though you have lost some weight or you’re looking a
bit skinny Robert”, I don’t have that same reaction. So, I’ve learnt to let
go of what I perceived that being a man meant, which I thought was to be
pumped up and big.
So, in summary, this is how it works.
If you are ready to own an emotional state that you are feeling, by
acknowledging and saying, “Hey, I am feeling scared right now?” and you
willingly own it without being triggered by becoming defensive, then this
will certainly open up the way to connect with your partner and help them
warm toward you, and alleviate any potential arguments.
However, on the other hand if you’re not ready to own what you are feeling
or unable to acknowledge what you are feeling, this will create a further
energetic rift between you and your partner. So, the trick is, to start
noticing within yourself when you react with defensiveness and own it.
If you are experiencing conflict in your relationship and would like some
help in overcoming being triggered, contact us at Love Life Matters today.