All couples have differences. It’s how and if, they deal with those differences in a way that brings resolution to any problems that could arise, therefore you could need relationship counselling which could be helpful to see these problems in a new light.
In a healthy relationship, a couple would be able to talk about their feelings about an issue and work out a mutual solution that meets both their needs. They would both feel understood, heard and cared for by their partner. If issues were dealt with in this manner, as the years go by, the couple would have less disagreements, misunderstandings, and less hurt and resentment would build up.
Unfortunately, this scenario doesn’t happen often for several reasons.
When in conflict, each person usually fights to be ‘right’. As children we learn to take measures to ‘resolve’ things to get our needs met, or to protect ourselves if they are not met. As adults we continue to play out these patterns, that have now become unconscious, as this is now our reference of perceiving and handling a situation, if this is the only way we have learnt. Often conflict usually ends up being dealt with by emotional outbursts, yelling, silent treatment, criticisms, nagging etc.
It is a sad thing, that few couples know how to communicate effectively. Very few people were taught the necessary communication skills in childhood. Therefore, couples usually don’t have the knowledge and ability to ‘resolve’ issues in the relationship, even if they really wanted to.
The longer issues go unresolved, the more hurt and resentment can build up between a couple. This erodes the quality of the relationship and each person’s self-esteem. Thus what happens, is a couple will ‘hit a crisis point’, where they have failed to deal with the ‘little problems’ and now the ‘final straw’ has arrived.
It may show up as one partner saying, “I love you, but I am not in-love with you.” They may leave the relationship either emotionally or both emotionally and physically. Sometimes issues such as addictions, affairs, major trauma (such as an accident) that have been tolerated for a while, now become too much to cope with.
When one, or both, partners ‘put their head in the sand’ and neglect to take measures to resolve issues and believe things will settle down and work out. They may wait years because other needs are being met. Until one day, again they surface.
Well know researcher, John Gottman says, on average, couples wait 6 years before they consider getting professional help.
“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol.
Are you ready for positive change?
We at Love Life Matters, covering Tweed and Gold Coast area, are equipped to intervene and help you move out of the resentment and guilt and get your relationship back on track.