- Relationship/Marriage In Crisis
- Affairs
- Porn
- Mid-Life Crisis
- Empty Nest
- Conflict and Power Struggles
- Not Connecting Any More or Not As Much As You Used To
- Lack Of Intimacy And Sex Life
MID-LIFE CRISIS
Are you or your partner in a mid-life crisis and things are said like “ I love you but I’m not in love with you” , “ I am not happy anymore and I need to make a change”, “I want something more and I want more meaning and purpose in in life”. A mid-life crisis is normally an existential crisis of questions about mortality and dying. It is the big fear that I am going to die sometime and a sense that life is passing me by. We are not “where” we want to be. It is not helpful or healthy to leave the family/partner, find a new partner, a new job a “new body”, a new car etc all at once. This would be reactive to the mid-life crisis. I’m not saying that getting a new car, a new job is not helpful as long as you communicate with your partner and take some time about it.
A mid-life crisis is always to do with the inner self, the internal thoughts and emotions and it can be pretty scary for the partner in the crisis and the partner that isn’t. Also maybe you are both in a mid-life crisis. This can happen when the children leave home (the ‘empty nest”) and you both don’t “know” each other anymore, actually you may not know yourself anymore. You can be disenchanted with life and your marriage. You will need to answer the question internally.
How do you both understand each other at this time? It does not help to pretend that nothing is happening or it also doesn’t help to over-react to the situation. You need to listen to each other. A mid-life crisis is a “wake-up” call and can be “turned around” to be healthy positive growth for each other and the marriage. It can be a time to start living more with more purpose and meaning. It is time to look at areas that need to change. Is the marriage stagnant? You may have to explore different activities separately but you do not have to leave the marriage.
What do you want in life? Work on connection in the marriage. Restart doing activities together like you used to do. Unfortunately not every marriage stays intact through a mid-life crisis.
At Love Life Matters we can support you to find out what you need in the mid-life crisis and what the marriage needs for it to continue.
THE EMPTY NEST
The empty nest is when your children have left home and you are not caring for them or providing financially for them on a regular basis and you may feel lost, sad and not knowing what your purpose is outside of being a parent. As a couple in relationship/marriage you may not know your partner anymore, you may not have done any activities together or lost track of having any “date nights” together. You have both lost that loving connection that you used to have and have just been “living for the children”. As a couple, you may need help to “find yourself” and to “find each other” again in a new and meaningful way without children around.
Love Life Matters can support you through the “empty nest” and help you to thrive in life again with each other.
CONFLICT AND POWER STRUGGLES
Conflict and the preceding power struggles can “hit” at any stage or any age in a relationship/marriage. Fight, Flight and Freeze can happen. There can be a major disagreement about something but then even the littles things cause conflict and a “game” of who is right and who is wrong. The “blame game” starts. It becomes a win/lose argument. You both become defensive and feel threatened by your partner. Your “reptilian” Amygdala primitive brain kicks in as its purpose is to look for threats and will respond accordingly as though your partner is a “Wooly Bull or Sabre-Tooth Tiger” as though you were back in cave-man times. It will do everything to protect you physically but mainly emotionally. It is re-active and fast in response. It does not think as there is no time to think when you are “under threat”.
Your Limbic system of the brain is also working with the Amygdala and is doing the emotions of fear, hurt, anger and frustration. The only way to stop this is to take time out to calm down and I mean calm down, not to think of what your next strategy is to win. When you calm down your Frontal Lobe and Cortex new brain with come in and you will then start thinking rationally and calmly and you will “see” the argument differently.
At Love Life Matters we will help you to work through deep seated issues that create conflict and power struggles and will also teach both of you to be able to “ fight fairly” to resolve conflict and/or to agree to disagree and be both comfortable with this.
There can also be deep seated wounding from childhood and other adult relationships that cause conflict and at Love Life Matters we can help you both to have compassion and empathy for each other about these woundings.
NO CONNECTION OR NOT CONNECTED AS YOU USED TO BE
Intimate loving relationships/marriages need emotional connection. They will not survive if they are starved of this. A deep emotional connection is the “life blood” of a relationship. The connection happens at the start of a relationship and in fact it is probably over emphasised in the romantic stage. Over time, with stress, being too busy, neglect or fear of intimacy can take over your relationship/marriage.
To be connected or stay connected in your relationship/marriage you need to spend time together, doing activities together, your need to know each-others “love languages”, and most of all you need to be vulnerable and share freely, openly and honestly about how you are feeling. Our emotions are a big part of our life and we too often don’t prioritise our emotions and share them.
In our gender socialisation, men have been taught to minimise emotions and value the rational practical side of life/relationships/marriage. Unfortunately for you men, you will need to learn that your emotional connection and attunement with your partner it essential for longevity of your relationship/marriage. Being emotionally connected is valuable and most times essential for your love making.
At Love Life Matters we help couples to emotionally connect again and start to attune to each-others emotions. This will help understanding each other again and have an amazingly positive effect on your relationship/marriage.
LACK OF INTIMACY AND SEX
There can be many factors that affect intimacy and sex ranging from the physical issues of low libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation etc. These factors of low libido, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and simply lack of interest or lack of attraction and desire can be psychological or emotional issues.
We at Love Life Matters can help, assess and address these issues as a couple so you can both have an understanding of how you both can help each other to bring back the zing in your love making. Communication is paramount. We can help to unpack and unblock emotions that are getting in the way. Also differing libidos and the lack of desire can bring about frustration for you both of you. Love making loves an edge of sexual desire. Making love does need foreplay and arousal. This can be sensual touch but it may also mean the way that you talk to each other, the way you look at each other and the anticipation of making love.
As mentioned under the heading of porn, light porn could have a positive effect on love making but most porn has a negative effect on intimacy and sex. Sexual love making needs Connection, Desire, Arousal, Orgasm and Satisfaction. Sometimes for women the arousal may have to come before the desire and then sometimes orgasm is not achieved and this can lead to dissatisfaction or may still lead to satisfaction. Ideally these five states are achieved for both couples most of the time but not necessarily all the time.
At Love Life Matters we can help you to work out what your needs are as a couple to best attain your connection, desire, arousal, orgasm and satisfaction.