Why relationships are a paradox of hurting so much and loving so much.

When you decide to make a commitment in a relationship, you can go through
both fear and excitement. The fear probably is about, “have I made the
right decision” and “am I going to be able to have my own time and be
myself”. You can be faced with autonomy verses unity or getting close
verses being alone.

Knowing your partner on intimate level brings up differences

To have a close connection, you know you do not have to spend all your time
with your partner, nor do you have to meet all their needs. However, when
you are with your partner, you want to be present with them. Being present
with your partner and getting to know each other can bring up differences
and disagreements. This is normal and most times the relationship can
navigate through and adjust to the differences.

Relationships will bring up childhood pain that needs healing

The part of an intimate love sexual relationship that we a not told about,
is that your relationship is the perfect place for your healing and growth.
This means, that what trauma or woundedness that has happened to you in
childhood and life in general, comes up in your relationship. This is when
it becomes tricky, as the behaviour and attitude of your partner may
trigger your trauma and pain to rise to the surface. This is when you may
want to hide it and your behaviour may become unhealthy for the
relationship. In other words, your partner is a ‘mirror’ for you, to see
your own pain and this concept, may be hard for some people to swallow.

You see, you have three aspects within yourself that are crucial to
understand when trauma and pain arises. These three aspects are the
‘Functioning Adult’, the ‘Wounded and Hurt Child’ and the ‘Adaptive and
Reactive Child’. For your relationship to work well, you need a
‘functioning adult’ most of the time, but everyone has a ‘wounded and hurt
child’ within, of varying degrees of pain.

Past traumas can affect how you react in the relationship

It is the past trauma aspect that creates havoc in a relationship. When
your ‘reactive and adaptive child’ surfaces, which is the part that is
always angry, aggressive and manipulative, it will do anything to protect
your ‘wounded and hurt child’.

For your relationship to be less ‘painful’, so to speak, your ‘reactive and
adaptive child’ needs to be minimized within your relationship. The way
this can happen, is allow your ‘wounded and hurt child’ to come out and be
present when necessary. What this means, is you need totally own and share
your ‘hurts’ with your partner. When you own and feel your ‘woundedness’,
the healing can start. If you deny this part of you, healing cannot start.

Being rejected by your partner causes hurt

Of course, this can be very vulnerable as you may be rejected by your
partner. On the other hand, if your partner is present with you and truly
listens to your story of the pain, you will heal and release the pain and
move to pleasure. You will then move from fear to love and the pleasure
within you will flow.

This is the same for your partner. In our couple’s therapy practice, we
have created an Intentional Dialogue for couples to be present and listen
deeply so healing takes place.

At the same time, you as the listener, may be growing as a compassionate
and caring person. To do this process, you as the listener, walks across an
imaginary bridge to your partner. You leave your world behind for a short
time. It does not mean that your world does not matter, however for the
short time of listening, your world is put to the side.

When both of you can listen to each other, you will allow the pain, healing
and pleasure to be present and so the paradox of an intimate, love sexual
relationship is experienced. This is where true emotional connection occurs
and fun and playfulness thrives to experience more pleasure rather than
pain.

 

 

When you decide to make a commitment in a relationship, you can go through
both fear and excitement. The fear probably is about, “have I made the
right decision?” and “am I going to be able to have my own time and be
myself?”.

To have an intimate and loving relationship, you know you do not have to
spend all your time with your partner, nor do you have to meet all their
needs. However, when you are with your partner, you want to be present with
them. Being present with your partner and getting to know each other can
bring up differences and disagreements. This is normal and most times the
relationship can navigate through and adjust to the differences.

The part of an intimate love sexual relationship that we a not told about,
is that your relationship is the perfect place for your healing and growth.
This means, what trauma or woundedness that has happened to you in
childhood and life in general, comes up in your relationship. This is when
it becomes tricky, as the behaviour and attitude of your partner may
trigger your trauma and pain to rise to the surface. This is when you may
want to hide it and your behaviour may become unhealthy for the
relationship. In other words, your partner is a ‘mirror’ for you, to see
your own pain.

You see, you have three aspects within yourself that are crucial to
understand when trauma and pain arises. These three aspects are the
‘Functioning Adult’, the ‘Wounded and Hurt Child’ and the ‘Adaptive and
Reactive Child’. For your relationship to work in harmony, you need a
‘functioning adult’ most of the time, but everyone has a ‘wounded and hurt
child’ within, of varying degrees of pain. This is the past trauma aspect
that creates havoc in a relationship. When your ‘reactive and adaptive
child’ surfaces, which is the part that is always angry, aggressive and
manipulative, it will do anything to protect your ‘wounded and hurt child’.

For your relationship to be less ‘painful’, so to speak, your ‘reactive and
adaptive child’ needs to be minimised within your relationship. The way
this can happen, is allow your ‘wounded and hurt child’ to come out and be
present when necessary. What this means, is you need to totally own and
share your ‘hurts’ with your partner. When you own and feel your
‘woundedness’, the healing can start. If you deny this part of you, healing
cannot start.

Of course, this can be very vulnerable as you may be rejected by your
partner. On the other hand, if your partner is present with you and truly
listens to your story of the pain, you will heal and release the pain and
move to pleasure and flow.

This is the same for your partner. When both of you can listen to each
other, you will allow the pain, healing and pleasure to be present and so
the paradox of an intimate love relationship is experienced. This is where
true emotional connection occurs and fun and playfulness thrives to
experience more pleasure rather than pain.

In our couple’s therapy practice, we have created an Intentional Dialogue
for couples to be present and listen deeply so healing takes place.

For support, contact us at Love Life Matters, covering the Gold Coast and Tweed Heads area.